Am I just lazy?

   The only thing on my mind these days is the fact that I don't have a career path, or even a rough idea of what I'd like to do with my workable years. I have so many ideas and dreams but not one I can stick too. I'm fairly good at most anything I try (jack of all trades, and a master of none). I have played in many bands around New England, and even a band in New York for a little bit. I'm an artist, and Ive been told I'm a pretty good one. I write stories, poetry, and songs. I'm very athletic(even as a smoker). I have acted in student films, and Ive even tryed my hand in sales...but not one thing holds my attention enough for me to do for the rest of my life. So now what? Am I just gonna be broke jumping from shit job to shit job for the rest of my life, or will I one day just know...like Ive always been told. I'm doubting this more and more everyday. Am I just lazy?

Quitting the Habit...Is really hard.

    So sadly I slipped and purchased myself a pack of cigarettes after only two days nicotine free. I'm not very happy about this by any means, but I'm not beating myself up over it. Like the saying goes "if you fall down, pick yourself up and dust yourself off." I'll give it another shot once this new pack is finished, and if I fail again then I'll try again...and again until I'm done with these disgusting things.

Quitting the Habit. Day 1

  So today I decided to quit smoking, not just for my physical health, but also for my mental health. I've been finding lately that smoking cigarettes not only makes me feel like hell, but I have also been growing increasingly anxious every time I lite up a smoke. The thought that eventually my teeth will fall out, and my skin will sag is horrifying, and its funny that those are the biggest concerns in my mind about smoking. Smoking kills an average of 5.4 million people a year through out the world, and I'm not going to be one of the statistics. I'm not sure why more people are trying to quit. Maybe its the addictive properties of nicotine as it is up there with heroin and crack. Most people would argue against me on that but think about it. Some one trys to quit.. 2 days later there smoking again. The irritability and withdrawal symptoms are so severe that a smoker usually only last about 2 to 3 days before picking up a cigarette again. The same goes with someone trying to quit heroin, and yes the withdrawals are more severe with heroin, the addiction levels are the same. In todays society an average of 23 percent of men, and 18 percent of women smoke on a daily basis... now how is this if the price of tobacoo has been increasing every six months since Obama has started in office. Its because cigarettes are designed to be so addictive and habit forming, and the gross factor doesn't set in for a long time after starting, so naturally the mentality is.."why quit, it isn't harming me"....yet. Until your 45 in the hospital for stroke symptoms, or lung disease. This is Day 1 of many more to come for me with out smoking.

Social Anxiety

     This topic is probably over blogged, but I'm gonna talk about it anyways because Ive been having problems with it since I was in high school. Ive learned how to cope with social situations and one on one meets pretty well, but since this anxiety has worsened with age I have stayed single. The thought of being in a relationship yields a pretty large amount of fear for me, but I'm lonely. Its sort of a catch twenty-two so Ive spent a long time just bouncing around from girl to girl in an attempt to snag someone that I could have a theatrical relationship with. Everyone wants to have that sort intense love for someone, but the movies play it off like its easy to find. This is sadly not the case by anymeans, and with the increase of internet dating the chance of finding someone the old fashion way is withering. I myself am pretty fortunate to have found someone not by means of the internet. Now what I'm  trying to get to is; my social phobias are starting to interfere with my relationship and its exactly what I expected to happen. The only problem is I don't know how to deal with it, and I'm starting to worry that it will ruin things between us. I'm constantly fearing that she isnt actually interested in me, or that I look like an idiot or some stupid thing. My worst fear is that she will decide she isnt into it because I wasent yet comfortable. I know that I just need to relax about all of it or I know I will end up ruining it, but its just so difficult.

Police Brutality

   All too often I stumble upon videos and news reports of cops just mercilessly beating the hell out of people for little to no reason, and I have to wonder why exactly. I mean yeah some people are just reckless and drunk, and maybe try to hurt a police officer; I understand a beating then but... Ive been seeing so much awful police behavior that I'm starting to get concerned.

    There was once a time when police where respected and thought of as local heros, but in this day and age its seems as though the majority of people are simply scared of them, and I think there bringing that on themselves. The question is do they actually care? Do they want to be viewed as the protectors or are they going for a fear factor.
     I'm not gonna say "fuck the police" because they do serve a purpose; without them the country would be in shambles, but to think they have superiority over the public like there some sort of gods is a sick mentality.
     In my eyes there are two types of police out there. The ones that care about the community they serve, and the ones that are just out the catch people. So wheres the freedom in being watched and monitored all the time? Why must we fear the very people who are supposed to keep us safe? this is a question unanswered because all of us are asking it.
 

Kool-aid and Frozen Pizza

Groovin to some Mac Miller

The things I do while I don't have a job.

-Shadow box myself in the bathroom mirror
-Try to make abstract art, and fail miserably
-Smoke too many cigarettes
-and drink too much coffee
-Become strangely interested in politics
-Drink more coffee
-Write stories about my life
-Question authority (lol)
-Suddenly realize that trees have feelings too
-Read a book I don't really like to pass the hours
-Try for that girl I always had a thing for
-Wish i could speak Chinese
-Wonder if aliens exist, or are we just thoughts in an all knowing mind (woooaaahh trippy)
-Wish I wasn't such a procrastinator
-and become aggravated knowing I'm the only one who can change that
-Write poems on the toilet
-Go on facebook expecting to be entertained only to be let down...everytime
-Try to figure out the meaning of life
-Impress myself with my ability to rap
-Stay up too late
-Play BayBlades with my younger brother
-Deny my dad services only to be lured back in with cigarette money
-Do laundry
-STAY FLY
-Sit for TV, and get bored in five minutes
-Find out my ex has nudes on the internet (Greatttt)
-Practice my acting(I'm gonna be in theater one day...if I ever get off my ass.)
-Dream of having a cannabis farm
-Go on a 20 mile bike ride
-Look for a job

     Too bad finding a job is on the bottom of my list. HA!